I have a difficult time pinning down my emotions.
Yesterday I awoke at 6am, took my puppy out, meditated, ate wheaties standing up while reading a back issue of the New Yorker... nothing unusual happened. I kissed my boyfriend goodbye. Felt good. Didn't want to work. Warm weather. Liked it.
In the car and a half mile away from my house I begin to cry. Big, rolling tears tumbling down my cheeks.
WHAT THE HELL??
So currently I am waiting for the lightening bolt to strike, the big AHA! moment when I realize what the f I was feeling and why. Usually arrives in 2-5 business days. I'll be waiting.
The hardest thing about putting down alcohol is that the stuff that led me to drink in the first place is all still there. Social fears emerge, self doubt, inhibitions, rage and resentment, emptiness and longing, the past, the present, and the future. I perpetually wade through this emotional soup, blind and deaf, not knowing which way is up and which way is down.
And living in the moment.
And being mindful.
And not picking up.
I'm glad clarity comes in small doses, because if I knew all this at the beginning, no WAY would I have ever kept going.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
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