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from here

29th kindness: almost done!

breaking up: oh so hard

We would have been dating for two years on March 14th. He relocated to Michigan, then California for me. When we moved into this apartment we had so much hope for ourselves. People told us it was too soon, but we didn’t listen. We were fools in love. Know it alls. Uniques.

And now here I sit, my seltzer one hand, typing with the other. Our dog, really my dog, running circles around my legs. ExBoy came today and picked up the rest of his “stuff” – most of which I bought him. The fancy bike I got him for his birthday, the scenester sweater I came home with “just because” – I think he even took the salt shaker I swiped from a table in Costa Rica. But he did leave my keys! And no note. Oh, and no sneakers.

This apartment is like a memory minefield – yesterday I opened a rarely used kitchen cabinet to find a miniature “love” card I left him – I hid ten or so around the house, and this one said – Knock Knock, I love you!.

Little reminders of how hard I tried, how deeply I loved him, and how willing I was to make it work. Little reminders of how I failed, how my efforts were in vain, and how I couldn't control the end result.

Too depressing a post? I apologize if it’s heavy, but my heart has been a little heavy today, and I needed to lighten the load. Talking about it and knowing I did the right thing by ending it helps me. Looking back, I realize that I had reached my limit, that limit we all know in our gut. Enough was enough.

On a more positive note! For my good deed today, I went down a meeting phone list/ email list (about 25 or so names) and gave each one a positive message from my morning meditation book. I got two "you kept me sober today"s and one "um, I'm not an alcoholic".
Maybe I can’t be happy every day, but I can try to make someone else happy every day!

Have a good night, everyone. And please, if you have any advice on the aforementioned topic, I could really use some different perspectives!

22nd kindness: planting a tree

so i planted one of my house plants (a small tree) at the backbay today. probably broke some hyper-anal orange county law, but hey! it's earth day! had to do it. 

also... went on my first official "date" as a single girl. it was strange. realized i am not ready to date - especially go on a BLIND date, for the love of god, no. no, no, no. i am too critical, too cynical, and too closed at the moment to really give anyone a chance. i am deep in the missing my smart, funny, and kind ex-boyfriend mode... sigh. 

i want to be alone for awhile. it's what i need. and what i want - most of the time. 

more coherent thoughts and less rambling tomorrow, i promise, and for now a little fun in the sun from the desert. 

 

31: reflecting

One image to pay homage to the past,

No matter the state of your garden, as long as you care for your garden yourself, it is never too late to claim that which has always been yours.


Breaking up - breaking up the pair, breaking up the relationship, breaking up the little bubble you've inevitably created. I miss the bubble. I miss the boy – I miss his humor, his kindness, his steadiness – and I miss the boy’s family.

In December we – his family and I - went for a little jaunt to Central America and frankly, I couldn’t take the pressure.

I miss the Boy’s mother – she has this uncanny ability to understand people, and to draw conclusions and realizations from seemingly impossible situations. She can look at something and see through it – and tell you about it after. In the most gracious, and thoughtful, way. His father is hilarious, and unapologetic ally kind. For a long time I felt supported by them, and by the boy – like I had jumped down the rabbit hole and awoken in a fuzzy cocoon of warmth and Midwestern nice.

But. But there’s always a but. Everything changed, and that’s OK too.

another image to welcome the future - and the summer!

reflecting on costa rica

Boy and I had been disintegrating for a month or two. I had given him my last effort: my sobriety. Note! He did NOT ASK ME TO DO THIS. This is about me, not him. But the point is that I TRIED to smoke weed, I tried to be “normal”. I tried to give him the twenty-something life society tells us is “fun” and “hip” and “thrilling”... But normal isn’t normal for this little alcoholic, unfortunately, and by the time we had jetsetted down to Costa Rica, I was in deep water.

I won’t divulge the gory details. I will try to concentrate on the present. But to summarize: I relapsed almost to the point of no return – I didn’t drink, but I did everything else. And I broke something I had been building, with or with out my knowledge, for two years.

30: sunday reds

today i need to be lifted up, so i reread a message written to me for my birthday.

here is part of it:

"...love, strength, hope, happiness. I picked peace in the end because it is what I want for you & me & our relationship. Because you will always be my best friend and I don't want to waste anymore time..."

after a few deep breaths and a few kind words, i feel better.

29: being a kid

today i rode a beach cruiser while listening to California Girls by the beach boys. i am pleasantly regressing to age 10, when life was easy and music was on tape. 

<3>

28: excuse me while i flaunt my leading man...

sampson's leading playmate :(

the prison puppy. 

make love, not war: i wish it were so simple. 

i've said it before and i'll say it again: california light... there ain't nothing like it. 

 

28th day

so this is my 28th day of my first 30 days as a single woman... ever. (not including preteen years. )

i created this flickr set:

table for one

and now i am making it public.

please, let me know what you think! i worked hard on this project and would love your feedback :)

happy friday!

27: goodbye daylight

thursday is my marathon nap day. i clocked 4 hours horizontal this afternoon, and when I awoke i snapped photos of the first things i noticed:

and in my blurry mind it goes like something like this:

oh, how i love this moment! when the sun simmers and burns the edges of the day: images outlined in gold, lining as thin and capricious as a brushstroke...

night seeps in like streams of water extinguishing a fire.

happy thursday! this is my favorite, and most lucky, day of the week. play the lotto and boil in the hot tub - this is how I celebrate :)

26: sweet dream of sky

southern california is so beautiful. i want to stay here at least through the summer, so i can camp in mexico and drive to vegas with friends.... attend spa camp with sisters/mom and help Lynnie's mom move in Colorado.

but after? i miss jackie enough to move to San Fran just to be closer! 

images from my walk with Sam, to help me remember:

“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”
- crazy Barry

(also a Buddhist saying)

25: earth hour

So I try to “go green” as often as I can.

The Prius is my saving grace – I figure my football shaped electric car earns me the right to occasionally flick a cigarette, or throw a pop can in the regular trash. BUT NO! I don’t want to have the just-this-once attitude anymore. It’s high time I care for the world around me - smell the organic coffee and face the new age music.

FIRST, a short trip down memory lane – I think I was in kindergarten -

Dad, Cassie and I on the boat,
Jupiter’s turquoise water shining beneath us,
Just ate a popsicle bought at Barnacle Bobs (for those of you who don’t know, it’s a floating restaurant, only to be rivaled by Water Weenies)
I leaned over the greenish 70’s paneling,
About to throw my popsicle into the water -
“STOP!”
My Dad grabs my hand and glares at me–
“what?” I asked.
“NEVER litter.”
“It’s wood though, trees are wood, too!”
“Robin, think about it this way: what if every person in the entire world threw their sticks into the water?? What would happen then?”
I imagined tidal waves of popsicle sticks; splintering the fish, choking the drains, skewering the swimmers and snagging the water-skiers… you get the idea.

My dad looked at me. “That’s what I thought.”

I don’t want to live in a world of trash – and I don’t want my friends and family living there, either.

My first order of green is posting about “earth hour”.

Check out the link here:

http://www.earthhour.org/

worldwide people are shutting off their lights for one hour on March 29th - 8pm.

I think Sampson and I can handle this. What about you?

.................

one more thing - coming from a family of four CANADIAN girls, I find this blog really fun to read:

http://fiveblondes.com/

check out the FAQ section... sound familiar? thought it would be appreciated!

24: the light in california is gold...

Simplicity is the keynote of a good life. Choose the simple things always. Love the humble things of life. Reverence the simple things. Your standard must never be the world's standard of wealth and power.

experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

last lecture

this will link you to a crash course in dad 101. all the values he taught us, this man recites in his lecture. 

very inspiring. 

23: easter

wishing everyone a happy easter...

... but one question: the bunny and the eggs; what do they have to do with the crucifixion? 

22: true love

not much has changed, eh? 

22: sorry to the man i won't mention

earlier today i received a phone call from the person who supposedly sent me the I'll-kill-you text. his phone was stolen by "ignant" people, who must have seen my number and thought it was funny to harass me. im so relieved. the unmentionable is restored (somewhat) in my eyes. although we aren't together anymore, i still respect him for his rational, stable personality - and i hope i always will!

so i'm sorry, unmentionable one. 

crisis averted. 

22: sorry steve wellman

another journal pic: sophomore year, high school.

last night my sisters and I suffered quite the debacle. I received 15 threatening text messages from an unmentionable:

"I don't want to talk to x, fuck you bitch ILL K I LL Y OU!"

i flipped out and immediately phoned my sister, Jackie, who promptly contacted my other sister, Cassie - like a makeshift Charlie's Angels team we attacked the situation with all the brains and courage we could muster. I tried to call this unmentionable person back, but my number was "blocked" - or so I thought.

robin: Jackie, his phone is blocking mine, will you three way him?
Jack: I'm on it. I'll try to get Cass on the line, too.

Jackie and Robin call - from area code 561, Florida.

riiiiing, riiiing, riiiiiing

SW: hello?
robin: put @*@* on the phone.
SW: excuse me?
robin: i know who you are. put him on the phone.
SW: i'm sorry you have the wrong number.

hangs up.

robin: what the f was that all about? he sounds like he's twelve.
jackie: i don't know, but it has to be him. cassie says she wants to call him.

cassie calls - from colorado.

riiiiiiing.

SW: hello?
cass: hey buddy, put **** on the phone.
SW: who IS this? ?
cass: don't mess around.
SW: My name is Steve Wellman. I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. Stop callling!

hangs up.

jackie and robin call again - from connecticut.

riiiiiiing.

robin: HEY. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. PUT **** ON THE PHONE!
SW: My name is Steve.
robin: Oh yeah, Steve? How long have you had this phone number.
SW: I've had this phone for five years.
jackie: (snickers) yeah right.
robin: Ok "Steve", why did you send me a text threatening to KILL me!!
SW: I do not know what you are talking about, mam.

hangs up.

robin: hey jack, are you sure you are dialing the right number?
jack: yeah, here it is ********
robin: um... that's not it.
jack: crap! cassie was calling it too!
robin: uh-oh. steve welllman just got ambushed from macs around the country.

the night ended with me talking to jackie on i-video until the wee hours of the morning, cassie advising me to call the police, my sponsor calling to make sure i was safe.... and this morning i woke up to four phone calls, one panicked message, and a knock on the door from the security guy.

why me?

question: why do I seem to drive men INSANE? I infuriate them to the point of no return.


while I ponder this question, I want to send this amends out into the universe:

Dear Steve Wellman,

I apologize profusely for last night's unseemly situation. My sisters and I want you to know that we never meant to bother you, or question your identity... or your manhood, or your honesty - we never meant call you demeaning names, or phone you from all corners of the country.

Sincerely, apologetically, and pitifully:

Robin, Cassie, Jackie and Sampson Mac.

21: searching myself

along with my photographs I brought back my journals from Florida. well, at least... 1/3 of my journals... whenever i go through a big breakup I always sift through my past - which i document well, as you can see - and ask myself the same persistent, nagging question: what the hell that about?

****if anyone has better or just other ways to get over someone, please! let me know.