...as small as a world and as large as alone,

thursday: dave jones & oc fair (cotton candy heart)

.... went down to the beach to play one day,

monday: beach-party & a party-party

before I leave southern california, a list.

1. salvation mountain.
2. salton sea/slab city
3. san diego.
4. pacific group.
5. oc fair.

one of the final

not immoral but amoral,
cdm gathering,
hangover (good),
zoo,
long beach,
newport,
jackie,
tea,
jackie,
headshots,
sarah,
work,
bed.

it's not me, it's you.

Three cancellations have cleared my Thursday. Two excuses and a reason.

two told me: “Robin, I don’t want to get attached, it’s not you, it’s me.”

So here I sit, at the ocean’s edge, watching families pack baskets and fold beach towels by the corners. How odd I must seem: my slacks, my sunglasses, my book.

I am the leper longing for colony. I am the leper priests whisper at through walls. Is this what disappearing is? Watching those I love turn inward, turn away, heads lowered and eyes cast down? Have I become memory? I’m here! I want to scream, shaking shoulders, spitting on shoes. But I vanish. Miserably, in an ugly way - first my skin, then my nerves - my limbs, my toes, and my eyes.

I root my foot in the sand, I inurn my toes in a sandy crypt.

So here I sit: Franz Wright, me, and the California light: burning itself from the edges, in.

monday night, family night.

sarah.

the beginning of the end. i want to remember it all, but i can't, and i won't - but i will try.

blue skies.

first favorite image from summer.

misteak.

sarah & I doth protest.

monday night dinners:
hijacked by the tofurkies.

slow burn.

corona del mar, ca.

long day.

costa mesa, ca.

A Spiritual Woman
D.H. Lawrence

Close your eyes, my love, let me make you blind;
They have taught you to see
Only a mean arithmetic on the face of things,
A cunning algebra in the faces of men,
And God like geometry
Completing his circles, and working cleverly.

I'll kiss you over the eyes till I kiss you blind;
If I can—if any one could.
Then perhaps in the dark you'll have got what you want to find.
You've discovered so many bits, with your clever eyes,
And I'm a kaleidoscope
That you shake and shake, and yet it won't come to your mind.
Now stop carping at me.—But God, how I hate you!
Do you fear I shall swindle you?
Do you think if you take me as I am, that that will abate you
Somehow?—so sad, so intrinsic, so spiritual, yet so cautious, you
Must have me all in your will and your consciousness—
I hate you.

sunday musings. thich nhat hanh. tea.

corona del mar, ca.

Lydia asked me to write some about dharma study. So...

Thich Nhat Hanh is one of my favorite Buddhist writers. His work always carries a tone of boyish excitement and pure joy.

From Peace Is Every Step

We can smile, breathe, walk, and eat our meals in a way that allows us to be in touch with the abundance of happiness that is available. We are very good at preparing to live, but not good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive. Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. (chapter: Twenty-Four Brand-New Hours).

You can breathe anywhere, just sitting on your chair at the office or sitting in your automobile. Even if you are at a shopping center filled with people or waiting in line at a bank, if you begin to feel depleted and need to return to yourself, you can practice concious breathing and smiling just standing there.

Each thought, each action in the sunlight of awareness becomes sacred. In this light, no boundary exists between the sacred and the profane. I must confess it takes me a bit longer to do the dishes, but I live fully in every moment, and I am happy. Washing the dishes is at the same time a means and an end--that is, not only do we do the dishes in order to have clean dishes, we also do the dishes just to do the dishes, to live fully in each moment while washing them.

my sweet summer.

corona del mar, ca.

may, june, july.

when the student is ready...

newport beach, ca.

the teacher will appear.

after 30 minutes of meditation I found some joy. When I finally stopped, I started. How often does this happen? When we are open and still the answers arrive, humbly and with out pretense.

I think it has something to with yielding to my deep sadness and frustration regarding my current employment. Thich Nhat Hahn speaks about embracing anger, embracing emotion, the way you would quiet a screaming baby. When I have compassion for myself, great things come to pass.

... also, I have decided to attend California College of the Arts in San Franciso. Amazing!

returning from my hiatus!

i am applying to graduate school and unfortunately the application process has consumed 90% of my time (leaving a hefty 10% for sleep). starting today I am returning to daily posts!

i hope you all had wonderful, romantic valentine's days :)

::::

this weekend I shirked responsibilities & traveled to San Francisco with my family, had a whirlwind & wonderful time...

... on this most monday feeling of mondays I am cheerful about:

sarah, a new bright spot
the color green
finding time to write this morning
curled up sampson warming my feet.

have a wonderful week!

::::

old photo taken with my even older canon-
half busted not to be trusted relic from 2005.

things to be cheerful about:

• crisp boyfriend-sweater-weather.


• mum & pops visiting this weekend and our pending san francisco trip.


• steaming lemon tea w/dab of honey.


• sampson’s day of primping & pawing .


• new loves and old loves and all the loves in between.

friday!

laguna beach

i carry your heart -

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
not fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

have an incredible weekend!

christmas lights?

sampson and I embarked on a neighborhood lights tour.
just down the street we found this... conversation piece?

this is a house sized mock snow globe....

the square footage alone puts my
studio to shame!

where do you all stand on christmas lights?
less is more or more is less?

in a corner collecting dust i find:

Autumn
Rainer Maria Rilke

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.

in college I wrote a term paper on Rilke and modernism - I wish I could go back and grant myself the understanding I have now... the understanding, but not the experience - if only life permitted us this luxury!