my old journals

hi, ladies. you are probably wondering why i put you in the title - just wanted to remind you how quickly things change. love to you all.
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I am: a person who saves a lot and writes down even more

I have kept a journal since I was nine years old.

I was born in 1985. 1985 to 1998 was a good time for me. Before 1998 there are dried flowers, rhyming poetry, dramatic gestures – and the occasional “guest” entry from my sister, Jackie.

But then, the real fun begins! (sarcasm: i need to define it for the californians). Here are some (tiny) excerpts from my past:
1998
His overpowering hands
I am nothing, left with a memory of a girl
And nice
Long ago

1999
I don’t know why I am not good enough for -----.
I feel horrible for ---- sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I could leave here forever. And never look back.
2000
I love myself.
I hate myself.

2001
Why am I so screwed up about boys?

2002
So it’s gone. They’re gone. The only familiar faces from my seventeen years have just left me, parted from me, blustering and red faced at a security checkpoint. I woke up to my new mother calling “Robine” into the room. They are young! I don’t know how to say anything. Or if I did know the language, I wouldn’t know what to ask! and wtf, why does Luis (loo-eeeeeze is how they say it) leave the toilet seat up? Last night I FELL IN!

2003
I love Spain. I love it, I love it, I love it – I never want to leave!

2003 – Summer
------ calls last night at five in the morning. Why? Booty call? Weed run? Or to talk? Fuck him. Every few nights I have a drug dream. Fuck me!
2004
Am I turning into Papa?
2005
Wasps breath alcohol – that's what ----- says. Am I a wasp? I’m British and Irish. Yes, I am probably a wasp.
Wait, I'm not protestant. Hell, I’m probably a hornet.

2006
I just met the ----- sister who was really into coke and sex. And then I met -----------. She has a pinched face.
How did I end up here?

2007
California light is gold. Am I ever going to return to Michigan? Jackie’s calling, gotta go.

2008
Now.
Funny how things turn out. I could pull different tidbits from my journals and present an entirely different past...
... but no worries, I'll leave you with this random assortment for now.
Happy Thursday!!

good deed today: cleaning the ernster's dirty dishes. 9 - it was a foul job.