welcome home

i'm here.

I forgot how many freakies live in my home state (me, included? too early to tell). Currently I am sitting outside in the full blast steam room that is Florida, watching a man with stringy blond hair vibrate in a wheelchair, tweaking out and crying "Oh you fuckers, ohhh fuckers, fuckity fuckers..."

Omar Sal is picking me up in his new boy-version of my prius: a hybrid camry. Hopefully it isn't lime green with a red flame etched on the side... who knows what this crazy man is capable of?

lots of memories rolling over me at the moment, good and bad.

bad: arriving in Miami, straight from Chile, drunk off a gallon of knockoff rum; leaving one of my two GIGANTIC bags at the claim, hitching a ride with a haitian man who came up to my chest (barely), stumbling into my house and pouncing on Jackie; Dad finding my third-full bottle and whispering, "Do you think robin has a drinking problem?"

good: talking to my dad on the phone - his happy and reliable greeting, WELCOME TO FLORIDA, my laughter and his excitement. killing time by checking email, writing, and eating a ben and jerry's cookies and cream cone - spending $10.00 and laughing with the befuddled man behind the counter... right now. right now, this moment, this fresh - sweet - lovely moment in my second year of sobriety.

i'm one of the lucky ones.

10: lemons

9: four hour hike

I’m a tad behind on my posts, and my picture-a-day while Pete-is-away theme (what a corny rhyme! LOVE it) needs to be brought up to date.

So this is what I’ve been doing:

**yes, this is a photo of my sister, but we are almost identical so it serves the same purpose!!

Some background info: I was born into a supremely active family. My father is an ex hockey player- marathon runner- sports nut, and my Mother, despite her profession (graphic designer), is a snowboarder, skier, runner… the list goes on… and on… and on.

Sunday the fam decided take a walk. Just a casual stroll – or so I was told. Four hours later we return to the hotel room, me- the caboose- crawling behind. What the hell??

But we had a wonderful time, despite blisters and sunburns, and have beautiful photos to show for it.

peace.

happy birthday to me:)

I had a family-full weekend. Both sisters arrived with in minutes of one another on Friday afternoon. I greeted them with Sampson in tow. We hugged, kissed, laughed, zoomed off in the prius to my tiny one bedroom where I now live alone!! Organized, settled in, laughed a WHOLE lot more…

After catching up with one another we decided to head to Balboa peninsula for haircuts and grooming ;) Jackie and I ate at Alta, one of my favorite outdoor cafes (see picture below). We discussed the possibility of me moving to San Francisco come June – and the end of my lease – we settled on:

Pros: love the city, close to Jackster, good recovery, family visits, job possibilities, culture, escape from Republican-white man-scary neonatziville.

Cons: missing my friends in Orange County, AA fellowship I’ve built around me, changing too much too soon, Pete….Pete.

I still have time, but I would love your suggestions and thoughts.

ANYWAY,

After the somersaults and cartwheels, Mom and Pops arrived in the OC on Saturday, (Sophie their adorable shitzu in tow); after our family meet and greet, they roared off in their shiny suv to the timeshare they rented on the beach. Very nice.

My mother is so beautiful. Every time I see her I marvel at how stunning she is… I hope I look – act – think like her as I get older…

And Dad, of course, is a big Buddha. He coasts through life thinking deeply and living day to day, moment to moment - with an open mind and a free heart.

My parents are incredible people.

Saturday we dined at the Daily Grill. Mid-way through our appetizers I felt a tap on my shoulder. As it turns out, my sponsor, Donna, was sitting two tables away! She hugged me and kissed me and wished me a happy birthday a hundred times over. I had the good fortune of meeting her eleven year old son:

“Hi, I’m Robin. Your Mom has told me so much about you!”

“Hi. Well I don’t know who you are. I've never heard about you.” He giggles. “Happy Birthday!”

Oh, kids. You got to love them.

My Dad commented on how joyous she is... and I told him that laughter betrays a light heart! I picked her as a guide and mentor for a reason... but more on her later.

I’m off to see what happens next. Thanks for reading :)

8: my birthday!

Here's to the land of the shamrock so green,

Here's to each lad and his darlin colleen,

Here's to the ones we love dearest and most.

May God bless old Ireland, that's this Irishman's toast!

7: 3 sisters, 1 dog, and 1,000,00,000 grams of sugar!

at the salon, 

and the cafe, 

hanging with Sampson, 

so beautiful! 

More when Mama and Pops arrive!

6: hooky

Today Sampson and I slept through two alarms. I called work and let them know I would be late, and not to worry. I spent my merry time sleeping in, however, spooning with my little pup.

I used to like this poem when I was a kid:

Sick

by Shel Silverstein


"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay,
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash, and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is---Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

and then I went to play with my beautiful friend Lynnie! We bitched, we complained, we laughed, made each other feel better, and then bonded over blogging and Sex In the City.

Life is good.

5: bubbles

6 drops of lavender oil
3 drops of patchouli oil
1 quart of distilled water
1 bar of castile soap
4 ounces liquid glycerin

self care is essential. self love? even more so. in an effort to treat myself the way i want to be treated (yes, it applies), i am committing myself to at least one self-soothing ritual per day. well, per every few days. this week: bubbles!!

one of my friends recommended me this bath recipe...

... even Sir Sampson wanted in!

Come ON, could he be any sweeter? this picture just catches my heart:)

Day Four: Cassie and her running shoes ;)

The drunken poet
(a genius by daylight)
who places long-distance calls
at three A.M. and then lets you sit
holding the phone while he vomits
(he calls it "The Night of the Long Knives")
getting his kicks out of the death call,
would understand.

Anne Sexton

Day Four: Walkin'

The drunken poet
(a genius by daylight)
who places long-distance calls
at three A.M. and then lets you sit
holding the phone while he vomits
(he calls it "The Night of the Long Knives")
getting his kicks out of the death call,
would understand.

Anne Sexton 

day four: cassie and her running shoes ;)

The drunken poet
(a genius by daylight)
who places long-distance calls
at three A.M. and then lets you sit
holding the phone while he vomits
(he calls it "The Night of the Long Knives")
getting his kicks out of the death call,
would understand.

Anne Sexton

The last time I drank was in Colorado. I drank in Colorado, December 2006. An entire bottle of vodka (1.75 liters). I blacked out in the evening, woke up in the morning to a roaring hangover and my father, bleary eyed and somehow older looking, asking me to leave. Demanding that I leave. I screamed, kicked, fought; he persisted. So I left.

My sister, Cassie, drove me to the airport shuttle in the morning. I remember looking at her - gripping the steering wheel like a pilot in a plane - coasting between story high snowbanks, jerking to a stop at lights, trying hard not to judge me. I watched my breath sit in front of me like a fog.

"Don't worry about it. He'll calm down. Gosh, I didn't know you... well, get like that when you... drink."

"Yeah. Fuck Dad for kicking me out."

"He's just worried."

"Yeah."

We stopped in a parking lot. I told her about living in California. Then I made a (what now seems like) an outlandish request:

"Cassie, can I have your shoes?"

"What?"

"Your shoes. I have to go visit Pete's family and I only have this mismatched pair of Uggs."

"Come on, I run in these."

"Please?"

She slipped off her sneakers and handed them to me. Then she told me she loved me and kissed me goodbye.

So many things happened that day, and the night before, but the one thing I will always remember is Cassie giving me her shoes. My sister has a huge heart, the effects of which resonate in my life again and again. Her generosity and kindness never fails me.

ANYWAY, I took this photo while shopping tonight and it reminded me of her.



C, can't wait to see you this weekend! xoxo

day three: center

it's sounds silly, but i find it healing to reconfigure my physical space after big decisions. i think i get this from mama mac - remember mom's rabid cleaning purges? scary.

example: after Pete left I went OCD on my apartment, cleaned the entire place up down, right and left - then i pieced together a meditation section ... i feel better. a little better every day.

makes me grin

omar just showed me this photo from when we first met, one of our first adventures - i was a flapper, he was.. a tourist?.... and his stoner roommate on the right always looked like that - more or less.

oh, omy.

ok!

what's up to the three or four people who read my blog, hopefully including jackie and cassie (ahemmmm) - what do you think of this one?