memorial for jenny s

fresh cut flowers

one of my good friends passed away this weekend. we met each other two years ago through a mutual AA contact... she had 8 months more than i did.

in may 2007 she relapsed, to everyone's shock, and took 36 vicodin in a 12 hour period. she was promptly sent to another rehab - her fourth, i believe? - in texas.

i felt a range of emotions - devastation, sadness, pity, concern, anger - the usual host of feelings surrounding a relapse – mine or someone else’s.

but as time went on, I heard from her less and less. a whole lot of life was happening, and we lost touch, save the occasional email here and there.

i hate this disease, this silent assassin.

there is nothing you can do for someone in the throes of alcoholism. i don’t care what the manifestation is – drinking, drugging, fucking – it’s all the same.

i am lucky i got this sobriety/ recovery thing before it was too late. i flirted with death, and wound up in the hospital more times than i care to admit.

Anyway…. Jenny was smart, funny, and beautiful. 26 years old. Last year we celebrated her birthday with a day at the beach. She was Jewish, and had a profound connection to her religion. On Wednesday nights she would cook us dinner – her specialty was pico de gallo – and finish it off with a desert of ice cream and gummy worms. She loved clothes, she loved makeup, she loved her family and her friends. Unfortunately, she loved pills more.

She relapsed another time in Texas, and was taken to a detox center. I guess the pills and alcohol were still in her system – because that night she took a bath and drowned.

please, if any of you are even questioning whether or not you are an alcoholic/ addict – just get in touch with someone who is sober. You can ask me, or someone else, just please reach your hand out.

my good deed today: organizing a memorial service here in newport. no rating.

14th kindness: a memorial for Jenny S.

fresh cut flowers

weekend round up

12th kindness: donating blood to unknown recipients / 8 (I passed out)

13th kindness: buying a birthday present i can't afford for a friend i really love/ 5 (it's my duty!)


explanation: 

I think I post too often. I'm going to skip the weekends from now on... don't want to bore you readers! plus blogger isn't working, and won't let me upload pics. infuriating! time to call on my destroyer!

here is the test! 

http://www.capt.org/catalog/MBTI-Book-PMAIonline.htm

results

I took the test. Here are my results:

Your PMAI Scores:
Lover - 28
Creator - 25
Magician - 25
Ruler - 24
Sage - 23
Jester - 23
Destroyer - 22
Warrior - 22
Caregiver - 22
Seeker - 22
Innocent - 20
Orphan - 13

I am a lover/ creator/ magician – these are the roles I play most of the time.

These archetypes are available to me, but do not determine how I view the world: Ruler/ Sage/ Jester/ Destroyer/ Warrior/ Caregiver/ Seeker/ Innocent.

I do not call on the Orphan often, and have trouble understanding why people play this role.

Lover:
I assume that love is the answer. I am sensuous, alive, vital, and full of love for others and for life. I see others as peers, not people in need of help.

Creator:
I assume what can be imagined can be created.

Magician:
I assume that perception defines reality.

fitting for someone with a disease of perception, eh?

I DON’T understand the Orphan: someone who “assumes that it pays to be careful”. Someone who uses realism and logic to combat day to day problems...

….psh! This is so not my proverbial cup-o-tea. I tend to play with fire until the point of third degree burns. I guess I could learn from annies.

a thought: every boy I have ever dated fits this profile. opposites attract?

11th kindness: help from Jung & helping the young

balboa boardwalk.

some history 

We all have stories – we all have plots. I’m going to call your life your plot, and my life my plot. This is a change from my Wavy Gravy days – remember, friend? – when I called my reality my “movie” and your reality, your “movie”. **

** NOTE: This was also the time I lived on the beach with out air conditioning in the dead middle of Florida summer. Upwards of 100 degrees. I spent my days painting on walls and my nights skinny dipping in neighbor’s pools… need I say more? 

Carl Jung called the roles we play in our specific plots our “archetypes”. Father, mother, child, lover, sister, creator, warrior, caregiver, blogger, dog lover – whatever.

There are as many archetypes as there are “typical situations in life”. But we tend to use a select few – our “dominant archetypes”. Sometimes we screw up – we use the wrong archetypes in the wrong situations. Like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, it just doesn’t fit. Jung said, "there is no lunacy people under the domination of an archetype will not fall a prey to" (Jung, 1959). Powerful stuff, huh? That Jung. Jokester. 

A woman I admire very much suggested I take this test, and I’m going to… but first I wanted to present a little background!

I know at least one of you – ahem, Cassandra – will want to take this with me.

good deed today: introducing myself to a newcomer (she is 15) and giving her my unlisted phone number. i just hope i can be an example - not a cautionary tale. 6. 

have a wonderful weekend, everyone! and thank you so much for your smart, thoughtful comments. they really make my day. even your's, my omy friend. 

10th kindness: tibet, roses, and proper chronological order :)

this picture is for wayfaring wanderer - i was so inspired by your beautiful photographs that i wanted to take a flower picture, too! roses. but what kind? 

my good deed: hooking up with amnesty international and demanding the release of 15 Tibetan monks. rating: 7. 

Yesterday's post, written in the airplane:

What is the difference between nurture and enable? Cameron’s writes:

Someone who

Nurtures (v) – gives you a sense of your own competency and possibility,

Someone who

Enables (v) – gives you a message that you will never get it straight with out their help


But, as anything else, enabling has more to do with the enabler than the victim. Or the beneficiary?

********

Artist’s Way Task:

List three nurturing friends who help you, not treat you as though you are helpless. Which of their traits, particularly, serve you well?

- Jackie
o Accepting, Kind, Funny, Kindred Spirit

- Mom
o Creative, Artistic, Clever, Persistent

- Omar
o Aware, Stable, Unconditional, Funny

- Donna
o Aggressive, Strong, Intellectual, High Expectations

To all of you: Who are the nurturers in your life?

9th kindness: jackie don't read this

i hate writing "8th kindness" on the 9th of April. i like to be on schedule. so i shipped jackie her new yorkers today... kind to both of us! enjoy : ) 

8th kindness: i see said the blind man

i don't know if it's my sickbed stupor or my strange concoction of homeopathic meds... but I thought this would be a great kindness... you tell me, my healthy friends: crazy-scary or kind-whimsical ?

yesterday i went to my thai place and told them to make me the hottest thom-ka-gai possible. now, as many of you know, i'm not a spicy person - a tank top and sandals are required if i'm to eat even the mildest salsa - 

so i tried this coconut concoction... and couldn't taste a THING! but i could breathe through my nose for 10 minutes, and boy, was it worth it. 

SO - i bought a bag of fortune cookies (prewrapped) and on today's walk with Sampson (featured above) I placed each in mailboxes around the neighborhood.

ceiling in the bathroom. not related, but cool, eh?

i thought it might be a nice surprise for some of the local residents. sort of a tomorrow is a new day vibe... ? i give myself a 5 for venturing out of quarantine.

 

happy hump day! 

7th kindness: self-quarantine

I woke up sick. Sickly sick, with a red, scratchy throat and a stuffy nose. I feel as though someone cracked open my head and filled it with cement. Stuffed cotton balls in my ears.
Glazed my eyeballs with a blowtorch. It’s misery, absolute misery.

I calculated my average niceness: 5 point something. So, according to Cassie, I have to beat my average by next Tuesday... Any suggestions?

My good deed today: going home early and sparing students what could very well be the next bubonic plague. 4. The image above is from a beach walk on Sunday... to remind myself of happier times (sob).

meeting

At seven we went to a meeting, and as always, I heard exactly what I needed to hear.

This is what was said:

If I take the right action, my heart and mind will follow.

Whatever you envy – that is exactly what you cannot have for yourself.

Comfort is a want not a need.

6th kindness: funny

I am no longer imprisoned by the bondage of self.

Me in my natural state: I am impulsive, I am rash, I am passionate, and I am NOT prone to logical, rational thought. I have a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Party time.

Now, in my second life, I do things differently. They say that to change you only have to alter one thing - and that's everything. And not with out pain and suffering – and not with out truth and joy.

I think everyone reaches this point. Some of us call it a spiritual awakening – others call it growing up. Strum und Drang, Midlife crisis, Existential thought, Psychotic Break… the list continues ad infinitum.

One of my dear friends said something the other day, and like many of this person’s comments, it keeps rolling around in my head. This is how the conversation went:

Me: so you’ve been checking out the blog?
Person: yes, it’s very you, overly expressive.
Me: in the most charming of ways
….
Person: It is emotional for me to see you doing well. I feel like we went down together, and now we can go up together, too.

When he/she told me this, I felt so supported – even loved. I felt inspired and grateful.

I am no longer imprisoned by the bondage of self. I’m not free… but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I used to be.

my good deed: cutting out comics from the new yorker, pasting them into cards, and sending them to random addresses! 7 - it took me awhile.

5th kindness: carnations = filler flowers = best effort

Today I couldn’t think of a kindness. Code for: I was lost in my own BS.

I spent the day with a dear friend of mine, sharing with her my heart and my head. But despite her generous support, I couldn't shake the feeling - just one of those sundays.

Good ideas to ponder when we head into this new week! Enjoy the last of your weekend hours, everyone.

I did, finally, figure out a good deed.

A scrooge lives across from me - I despise this platinum blonde, silicon boobed, scratchy voiced woman. For good reason! When Sampson was just a puppy (aw, tear) we left him in his cage - no, sorry, his "house"- for five hours. We were at a baseball game, what could we do? I guess he was barking the entire time, because we came home to a note on the door:

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR DOG. HE HAS BEEN BARKING THE ENTIRE DAY. OTHERWISE I WILL HAVE TO REPORT YOU TO ANIMAL SERVICES.

My blood boils when I type this. I was so ashamed! ASSHOLE. Breathe, Robin, breathe.

So today I bought a bought a bouquet of flowers and left them at her door, attaching this note:

before you start thinking, "that robin, what a saint!" I must inform you that I gifted her with pink carnations. I TRIED not to pitch a little spite in there... but alas, I am who I am.

I give myself a 6.