Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
31: reflecting
One image to pay homage to the past,
No matter the state of your garden, as long as you care for your garden yourself, it is never too late to claim that which has always been yours.
Breaking up - breaking up the pair, breaking up the relationship, breaking up the little bubble you've inevitably created. I miss the bubble. I miss the boy – I miss his humor, his kindness, his steadiness – and I miss the boy’s family.
In December we – his family and I - went for a little jaunt to Central America and frankly, I couldn’t take the pressure.
I miss the Boy’s mother – she has this uncanny ability to understand people, and to draw conclusions and realizations from seemingly impossible situations. She can look at something and see through it – and tell you about it after. In the most gracious, and thoughtful, way. His father is hilarious, and unapologetic ally kind. For a long time I felt supported by them, and by the boy – like I had jumped down the rabbit hole and awoken in a fuzzy cocoon of warmth and Midwestern nice.
But. But there’s always a but. Everything changed, and that’s OK too.
another image to welcome the future - and the summer!
No matter the state of your garden, as long as you care for your garden yourself, it is never too late to claim that which has always been yours.Breaking up - breaking up the pair, breaking up the relationship, breaking up the little bubble you've inevitably created. I miss the bubble. I miss the boy – I miss his humor, his kindness, his steadiness – and I miss the boy’s family.
In December we – his family and I - went for a little jaunt to Central America and frankly, I couldn’t take the pressure.
I miss the Boy’s mother – she has this uncanny ability to understand people, and to draw conclusions and realizations from seemingly impossible situations. She can look at something and see through it – and tell you about it after. In the most gracious, and thoughtful, way. His father is hilarious, and unapologetic ally kind. For a long time I felt supported by them, and by the boy – like I had jumped down the rabbit hole and awoken in a fuzzy cocoon of warmth and Midwestern nice.
But. But there’s always a but. Everything changed, and that’s OK too.
another image to welcome the future - and the summer!
a night for remembering those weve lost
March is a difficult month for my family. Years ago we lost three family members to the same disease I have. This wasn't the first time for my family at large, but it certainly was for my sisters and I.
To honor them, I want to finish March with honesty ... and let someone else say what can be found in my heart.
All I could think was: what a privilege this is. What a fucking privilege. To be able to sit here, listening to these people- not only to listen to them but to watch them walk through the pain and the tragedy – so that I, my sponsor, my fellows – we can walk through it later.
And just as these words were going through my head, a young woman shared almost verbatim the same thing.
This is what it’s all about.
Months ago I met Joe at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. “Hi sweetheart, how ya doing,” is his line. Usually to my sponsor, not to me.
Before tonight I knew this about him:
1. He’s very handsome- in a boyish, charming way.
2. He got sober at 16 because he fell off a bike and scared his mom. He didn’t want to become his Dad, so he joined AA.
3. He recently celebrated 25 years.
… And the real old-timers, men and women with 30, 40 years, always tease him for being a wimp (playfully, of course, and with respect.)
Tonight he sat next to a woman, Doreen, who shared about her husband’s recent death. After a week of not being able to find him, she came home to a voice message: the coroner had called. Her husband had died the night before in a motel 6. She identified his body this morning – when she shared she was shaking, and sobbing, and screaming – she found him in the bathroom, splayed out among bottles, vomit, feces… he had been there for 20 hours before anyone discovered him. He had 4 years of sobriety, and relapsed a week before, because he wanted to “show them.” Resentments are our greatest foe, says the big book, and I believe this to be true.
After she spoke Joe raised his hand. As always he introduced himself: “Joe, alcoholic.” But this time he turned and stared at her. He said,
“Hi Doreen, I’m Joe. I want to tell you something. Last year, eleven months ago, a car hit my fiancée. She had just received twenty years of sobriety. She was rollerblading, on the sidewalk, and a car swerved off the road. It was a freak thing – game over. I’ll never forget that night – I went to the hospital, and she died, dead, she was there, dead. She still had my ring, her ring, the ring that promised forever – on her finger.” He was still staring at Doreen, looking her dead in the eye. “So I walked out of the hospital room – numb and shocked and confused – and there was my sponsee, standing against the wall. I don’t know why I said this, and I have no idea where it came from, but I said, ‘Now you watch me. Now you watch closely. Look at what alcoholics anonymous does. Look at what I do and what I am, and see how alcoholics anonymous works.”
He can’t remember much after that, everything was a blur. But he stayed sober through it - he maintained his grace, his dignity - and kept his head high through what could have been his demise. I know this because every share after him was from people who had been there. People who helped him, and held him, and supported him in every step.
Before tonight I knew this about him:
1. He’s very handsome- in a boyish, charming way.
2. He got sober at 16 because he fell off a bike and scared his mom. He didn’t want to become his Dad, so he joined AA.
3. He recently celebrated 25 years.
… And the real old-timers, men and women with 30, 40 years, always tease him for being a wimp (playfully, of course, and with respect.)
Tonight he sat next to a woman, Doreen, who shared about her husband’s recent death. After a week of not being able to find him, she came home to a voice message: the coroner had called. Her husband had died the night before in a motel 6. She identified his body this morning – when she shared she was shaking, and sobbing, and screaming – she found him in the bathroom, splayed out among bottles, vomit, feces… he had been there for 20 hours before anyone discovered him. He had 4 years of sobriety, and relapsed a week before, because he wanted to “show them.” Resentments are our greatest foe, says the big book, and I believe this to be true.
After she spoke Joe raised his hand. As always he introduced himself: “Joe, alcoholic.” But this time he turned and stared at her. He said,
“Hi Doreen, I’m Joe. I want to tell you something. Last year, eleven months ago, a car hit my fiancée. She had just received twenty years of sobriety. She was rollerblading, on the sidewalk, and a car swerved off the road. It was a freak thing – game over. I’ll never forget that night – I went to the hospital, and she died, dead, she was there, dead. She still had my ring, her ring, the ring that promised forever – on her finger.” He was still staring at Doreen, looking her dead in the eye. “So I walked out of the hospital room – numb and shocked and confused – and there was my sponsee, standing against the wall. I don’t know why I said this, and I have no idea where it came from, but I said, ‘Now you watch me. Now you watch closely. Look at what alcoholics anonymous does. Look at what I do and what I am, and see how alcoholics anonymous works.”
He can’t remember much after that, everything was a blur. But he stayed sober through it - he maintained his grace, his dignity - and kept his head high through what could have been his demise. I know this because every share after him was from people who had been there. People who helped him, and held him, and supported him in every step.
All I could think was: what a privilege this is. What a fucking privilege. To be able to sit here, listening to these people- not only to listen to them but to watch them walk through the pain and the tragedy – so that I, my sponsor, my fellows – we can walk through it later.
And just as these words were going through my head, a young woman shared almost verbatim the same thing.
This is what it’s all about.
reflecting on costa rica
Boy and I had been disintegrating for a month or two. I had given him my last effort: my sobriety. Note! He did NOT ASK ME TO DO THIS. This is about me, not him. But the point is that I TRIED to smoke weed, I tried to be “normal”. I tried to give him the twenty-something life society tells us is “fun” and “hip” and “thrilling”... But normal isn’t normal for this little alcoholic, unfortunately, and by the time we had jetsetted down to Costa Rica, I was in deep water.
I won’t divulge the gory details. I will try to concentrate on the present. But to summarize: I relapsed almost to the point of no return – I didn’t drink, but I did everything else. And I broke something I had been building, with or with out my knowledge, for two years.
I won’t divulge the gory details. I will try to concentrate on the present. But to summarize: I relapsed almost to the point of no return – I didn’t drink, but I did everything else. And I broke something I had been building, with or with out my knowledge, for two years.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
30: sunday reds
today i need to be lifted up, so i reread a message written to me for my birthday. here is part of it:
"...love, strength, hope, happiness. I picked peace in the end because it is what I want for you & me & our relationship. Because you will always be my best friend and I don't want to waste anymore time..."
after a few deep breaths and a few kind words, i feel better.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
29: being a kid
today i rode a beach cruiser while listening to California Girls by the beach boys. i am pleasantly regressing to age 10, when life was easy and music was on tape. <3>
Friday, March 28, 2008
28: excuse me while i flaunt my leading man...
sampson's leading playmate :(
the prison puppy.
make love, not war: i wish it were so simple.
i've said it before and i'll say it again: california light... there ain't nothing like it.
28th day
so this is my 28th day of my first 30 days as a single woman... ever. (not including preteen years. )
i created this flickr set:
table for one
and now i am making it public.
please, let me know what you think! i worked hard on this project and would love your feedback :)
happy friday!
i created this flickr set:
table for one
and now i am making it public.
please, let me know what you think! i worked hard on this project and would love your feedback :)
happy friday!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
27: goodbye daylight
thursday is my marathon nap day. i clocked 4 hours horizontal this afternoon, and when I awoke i snapped photos of the first things i noticed:
and in my blurry mind it goes like something like this:
night seeps in like streams of water extinguishing a fire.
and in my blurry mind it goes like something like this:
oh, how i love this moment! when the sun simmers and burns the edges of the day: images outlined in gold, lining as thin and capricious as a brushstroke...
night seeps in like streams of water extinguishing a fire.
happy thursday! this is my favorite, and most lucky, day of the week. play the lotto and boil in the hot tub - this is how I celebrate :)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
go greener
spring cleaning: women and environment
check this out... and get greener!
check this out... and get greener!
a lot of women in my family, me included, suffer from asthma... the men - correction, the man- simply "doesn't believe" in it (direct quote).
wouldn't it be nice to help ourselves while helping the earth? sign up and they will send you a kit!
26: sweet dream of sky
southern california is so beautiful. i want to stay here at least through the summer, so i can camp in mexico and drive to vegas with friends.... attend spa camp with sisters/mom and help Lynnie's mom move in Colorado.
but after? i miss jackie enough to move to San Fran just to be closer!
images from my walk with Sam, to help me remember:
“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”
- crazy Barry
(also a Buddhist saying)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
25: earth hour
So I try to “go green” as often as I can.
The Prius is my saving grace – I figure my football shaped electric car earns me the right to occasionally flick a cigarette, or throw a pop can in the regular trash. BUT NO! I don’t want to have the just-this-once attitude anymore. It’s high time I care for the world around me - smell the organic coffee and face the new age music.
FIRST, a short trip down memory lane – I think I was in kindergarten -
Dad, Cassie and I on the boat,
Jupiter’s turquoise water shining beneath us,
Just ate a popsicle bought at Barnacle Bobs (for those of you who don’t know, it’s a floating restaurant, only to be rivaled by Water Weenies)
I leaned over the greenish 70’s paneling,
About to throw my popsicle into the water -
“STOP!”
My Dad grabs my hand and glares at me–
“what?” I asked.
“NEVER litter.”
“It’s wood though, trees are wood, too!”
“Robin, think about it this way: what if every person in the entire world threw their sticks into the water?? What would happen then?”
I imagined tidal waves of popsicle sticks; splintering the fish, choking the drains, skewering the swimmers and snagging the water-skiers… you get the idea.
My dad looked at me. “That’s what I thought.”
I don’t want to live in a world of trash – and I don’t want my friends and family living there, either.
My first order of green is posting about “earth hour”.
Check out the link here:
http://www.earthhour.org/
worldwide people are shutting off their lights for one hour on March 29th - 8pm.
I think Sampson and I can handle this. What about you?
.................
one more thing - coming from a family of four CANADIAN girls, I find this blog really fun to read:
http://fiveblondes.com/
check out the FAQ section... sound familiar? thought it would be appreciated!
Monday, March 24, 2008
24: the light in california is gold...
Simplicity is the keynote of a good life. Choose the simple things always. Love the humble things of life. Reverence the simple things. Your standard must never be the world's standard of wealth and power.
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